Grammie has a very strange disposition, which I think is characteristic of the time in which she grew up and was an adult. She very much adheres to the Victorian “Angel in the Household” idea of what a woman and mother should be. She never asks anyone to do something for her unless it is physically impossible for her to do. No matter how many times I tell Grammie “You don’t have to do our dishes”, if they are in the sink for more than five seconds she washes them. Erica and I have even been chased away from the sink on several occasions. Erica’s mother didn’t believe Grammie did this until it happened to her. Erica’s mother was so shocked that she couldn’t talk about it right away.
She does everything if she can, even if it isn’t a good idea to do so. Grammie has leg spasms that strike randomly. They don’t make her move, it’s just a few seconds of intense pain. This is a problem because she will to down the stairs to the basement without thinking about it. She already has problems going down the stairs, but if she has one of these spasms on the stairs it might be the end of her. Despite the fact that these spasms happen frequently and randomly, Grammie hasn’t connected the dots that if could happen while she is going down the stairs.
Grammie is also of the frame of mind that she can’t ask anyone to do something for her. On the rare occasion that she does, she acts like she is asking us for a loan instead of to take out the garbage. Her voice gets very small, very high pitched and sad sounding. Like a kid’s voice when they’ve done something wrong or hurt someone. She sounds sad and so sheepish, and then her request comes, “Do you think you could get some gas for my car?” Totally reasonable and simply request, and she treats it like she just hit my car. It doesn’t matter how many times I enthusiastically and happily reply, jump to my feet and do whatever she asks of me, she never gets the idea that we don’t mind helping her.
Which is the set up for my current situation. I am sitting at the computer which is near the stairs in the basement. I can hear everything happening on the first floor. Grammie is in a whirlwind of choirs. What should I do? In the past I’ve gone up to help, but when I ask, “what can I do”, she says, “Oh nothing, thank you”. I then head downstairs and listen to her for the next half hour or so. There was something I could do. Sometimes I just start doing things, but she quickly chases me away.
So what should I do? Part of me is of the mind that is she wants to take on the weight of the world, go ahead. Who am I to tell her that she should accept my help? On the other hand, she might hurt herself. She is not ready to move, physically (as in the house) or mentally (as in herself). But if she gets hurt she would be living near her sons (a five hour drive away) within the week. I also have to wrestle with the fact that choirs are healthy for older adults. Many tests have shown that old people with some choirs to do live longer and happier. Nothing intense, as much as taking care of a plant will do the trick.
I want to help, but she won’t accept it. I want to leave her to her stubborn ways, but she might get hurt. I want her to remain active, but I don’t want her to work herself to death.
And as I’ve been typing this, she has gone to bed. I guess I made up my mind.
